So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize