Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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