So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I wish there were birth control emojis
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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