mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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