I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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