True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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