I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
