I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
