You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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