the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
