That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
