By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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