that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
