My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
