some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
