These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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