Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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