she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
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