I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
