Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Randomize
