I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
