Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
bring money and cleavage
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
