oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize