you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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