If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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