Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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