Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
