The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
