pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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