when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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