I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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