I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize