My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
