Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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