I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
