Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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