i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize