I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
