I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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