I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
