i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
