don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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