It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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