Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
