I swear she didn't look like that last week.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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