I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Just high enough for therapy.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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