he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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