someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
