If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Damn victory sex feels great
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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