The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
