I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
