Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
