1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
