Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
