Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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