i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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