I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
