I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
