last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize