Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
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