NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
