Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
