this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
