I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
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