I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
