The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
