It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Randomize
