ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
